As I Approach Thirty-Nine: Thinking Back

Hi there.

Isn't Harley pretty? She was having such a great sunbeam nap, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to capture it.

Why am I here today, you might ask? Even if you don't, I'm asking for us both. What am I going to ramble about this morning? Is there even anything worth the pitter-patter of these keys? I think so, and if not, I'll find something along the way.

First and foremost, the writing update. That's the entire reason this place exists, after all. If I wasn't living this author life, I wouldn't have a place to mind dump my thoughts to the void. Not that I'm "living the author life", per se. Although, technically, I am. It's just not the romanticized, picturesque, idyllic fantasy that "being a writer" used to be. I think the days of living in a massive, cozy house, nestled in the woods and emerging once every few years to regale the masses with your newly crafted words are over. The days of dropping everything and travelling the country in search of the Great American Novel have passed us by.

Or maybe that's just me?

To be fair, I was never a "Great American Novel" seeker to begin with. My stories tend to come from bits of ideas, mashed together in a melting pot of what-ifs. They find their footing in my struggles. They grow as I explore their motivations. More often than not, I find answers to my own issues as well.

And I'm rambling again. That seems to be the feeling of this post, so if you find tangents interesting, stick around.

Writing update, yes. To be honest, I don't have much of one. I have two-thirds of the final draft re-edited, and I plan to finish it up this week, if all goes well. Then, I need to finalize the formatting and print covers, and settle into the prep for marketing next year. March 2nd is going to come faster than I expect, especially if I keep putting things off.

But why am I putting them off? Shouldn't I be excited to release this next book? After all, each book is a pathway to the goal of "living the author life". Yet, something is pushing back on this one.

I think I'm scared of not following up Bound To Parish well enough. Even if it wasn't massively successful, it had a small amount of time in the sun, and I'm worried Refining Ties won't live up to the expectation. I'm worried that I set too lofty of a goal by trying my hand at a series, and I'm worried that it'll fail.

I think that's why I've been throwing myself at other projects instead. I started a new story (that I have no idea what to do with), I've been back to sending out shorts on submission (to see if I live up to my own expectations), and I've been wasting away in my house consuming media. I need to start reading again, but finding a book that grips me has been tough. I have a short story book I want to make progress with as well. Work has been stressful, life has been ever-present, and I need a break from it all.

Thankfully, I have one coming up!

This week, I have to endure the day job for two days, and then I have the opportunity for freedom the rest of the week. Mostly due to my birthday. Usually, I'd take an entire week off, but I've been burning PTO this year with mini vacations (and actually some fun activities for once) so five days was all I could manage. Still, it's a break, and for that I'm thankful. I plan to finish this manuscript, clean my apartment, and rest. Oh, and go to the DMV to renew my license, which I am NOT excited about.

All of that leads me to what I think I came here for. Birthday. Aging. Approaching 40. All things I'm not sure how to feel about. Am I happy with where I am in life? Have I made the right choices? Should I continue down the path I've built for myself, or is it time for a reinventive mid-life crisis? Will the world even exist in time for me to have one?

There are so many questions I can ask, yet I have so little answers for them.

Millennial Angst. That's what I'm calling it. Our generation doesn't know what to do, and it's starting to show. We did the corporate job thing, and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. We did the side hustle thing, and it took over our free time. We found our passions and we tried desperately to monetize them, just to make it through the day. Now, what do we do? How do we find the happiness that seems to elude us at every turn?

Or maybe that's just me. It's probably just me.

Anyway, as I said, I had no plan for this post at all, and mostly wanted to jot down some words. Once I finally get Refining Ties complete and ready to go, expect to start hearing from me more. Until then, pray for a restful week, and I'll do the same for you.

I'll be 39 the next time we speak.

-Dave